4.5 Weeks Postpartum Confession

October 25, 2014

I just got out of a shower at 3:30 am where I had a good cry. I am 4.5 weeks postpartum with my son and I can’t sleep.


Why was I crying? Lots of reasons.

I was crying because I am still carrying baby weight.
I was crying because I can’t get back to sleep.
I was crying because somebody said something mean-ish to me on an online mommy forum.
I was crying because my baby still fights latching on and I can’t figure out why.
I was crying because I feel like I am failing my little girl.
I was crying because I feel like I am failing myself.

Some are silly reasons. Some are not so silly.

I’m writing and publishing this post because I need to remember what it can feel like at 4.5 weeks postpartum. And I need you to know what 4.5 weeks postpartum can feel like.

I cognitively know that I will make it through these trying first few weeks and first few months, and I will get fit again, and I will sleep again, and it doesn’t matter what someone I don’t know said in a forum, and my baby is going to love nursing and chill out eventually, and I haven’t actually failed my little girl, and she still loves me, and I have lots to be proud of and lots more still to accomplish.

I cognitively know these things.

But at 3:30 am, when your baby fights to latch, and you’re exhausted, and you know it’s going to be hours before you sleep again, and because of that you’ll be a lazy mama to your beautiful toddler the next day instead of a engaged, involved mama like you envisioned yourself to be, it’s hard to stay positive. And so you look for a good place to cry. And because you stink (since you haven’t showered in a day and a half), the shower seems like a good a place as any. And I didn’t wake anyone up.

I’m not publishing this for pity (although I will take a bit of grace), and I want you to know, people have brought food and checked in on me. I have support.

I’m publishing this because the postpartum experience needs to be shared, not private.

This shit is hard.

My mother always remembers how with each new baby, her mother had a girl from their small farming community who came in to help. I had my mother here for three weeks, and then my mother-in-law and father-in-law for another week after that. And on the day after they left, meals from our friends began. Some via delivery, some brought with a welcome visit. Both are awesome.

So, there it is.

I am usually a confident, outspoken, organized leader. Accomplished. But when I am in the depths of the postpartum season, I feel like a slob. Like a blob of lazy. Like it was a mistake that I have these two children and what was He thinking giving them to me.

It can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter what her prenatal self was like. The postpartum season can be confidence-shattering. And it takes time to rebuild.

And sometimes rebuilding involves a good cry in the shower.


January 12, 2013

My little Olivia is nearly nine months old. O.M.G.

She is such a joy. And a hand-full. That’s why you haven’t heard much from me since her birth. It really is true: once they start crawling, your world will never be the same again.

But this is a post about Finger Foods. I don’t have much to say other than, it is possible. She’s nearly nine months old and she’s feeding herself egg and sauerkraut.

Here are a few pics.

Lunch for mama and baby! Pastured eggs and sauerkraut! Mama also has liverwurst.

Lunch for mama and baby! Pastured eggs and sauerkraut! Mama also has liverwurst.

Olivia uses her Pincer Grasp!

Olivia uses her Pincer Grasp!






August 20, 2012


We’ve just passed the 4-month mark. I’m still feeling mildly squishy but I feeling more like a complete return to pre-preggie is possible. It will take time, but it feels attainable. I’ve been reading “It Starts with Food” from Whole9 and I’m LOVING it! I want to buy many copies and give them away to people. It presents such a great version of the whole paleo/primal protocol. I feel my best and look better when I’ve been following the Whole30 protocol for even just a few days! I highly recommend!

It Starts With Food, from Whole9


She had her four-month doctor’s “well-visit” this week. She grew an inch and a pound in the last four weeks! Whoo-hoo! She’s now 26.3 inches (98%) and 14 lbs 10 oz (59%). She’s reaching all the developmental milestones on time (some a little early!).

And did I mention that she’s sleeping through the night? Love. Her.


It was difficult to get my workouts in this week. My in-laws are in town.

P.S. My head is fine from last week.ūüôā

Monday, August 6 –¬†100 KB Swings 15#

Saturday, August 11

Here’s the WOD:

  • For Time: 100¬†Double Unders¬†(5 Minute Cap)
  • Stone Shouldering- 1/1/1/1/1/1/1 (Max Effort/15 Minute Cap)
  • For time: Half Tabata-¬†Stone 2 Shoulder /¬†800M¬†Run /¬†Half Tabata-¬†Stone 2 Shoulder /¬†800M¬†Run
  • EMOM (every min on the min) For 10 Minutes: 10¬†SuperMan/10¬†Hollow Rock

I got about 30 double unders. I would have gotten more if I weren‚Äôt dealing with plantar fasciitis.¬†:(¬†Perhaps I shouldn’t have even attempted them today, because of the foot. But the Versa Climber tuckered me out last week and I didn’t want to face it again today.

I got the 75# stone shouldered a few times. Tried the 95# but no go.

I sub’d 1000m rowing for the running because of the pf and other ligament issues. 13:48 was my time…? I think. I got 16 total stone shoulders in the tabata. And my time on the rower was about 4 minutes each time. A little more than 4 the second time.

Finally, today I did super-mans for the first time since delivering the babe. I couldn‚Äôt do the hollow-rocks because of something going on with my hips. Possibly inflammation? Possibly persistent pelvic tilt? Or perhaps just simple physics.ūüėČ

My shoulders are bruised.


Here’s a photo of Ryan with Olivia!

Ryan with Olivia (18 weeks!).



August 13, 2012


So I’ve got plantar fasciitis.¬†I think it’s because of impact and weight during pregnancy and limited walking during early pregnancy recovery and continued pregnancy hormones making my ligaments wonky. My groin area ligaments are almost better so I’ll be able to start running again soon, once the plantar fasciitis¬†dies down.

I still have the dark line.

The placenta is still in my freezer.

Regarding my emotions… It’s amazing the difference regular sleep makes. I feel so much more like myself than I did in the first two months. I feel like I’ve crawled out of the hole and I’m reacquainting myself with myself again. Except now, I’m a mother. And that’s no small thing.

I’m also beginning to feel more confident about mothering. Part of it is that Olivia is just a delight as a baby, but I’m getting to know her better too. I’m learning how she needs to be comforted and what makes her happy and what makes her feel safe. I’ll feel more confident the second time around. Yes, I’m already thinking about baby #2!


She is nearing the 4-month mark. So crazy! She’s started falling asleep on her own more often now. She’ll nurse to almost asleep and I’ll put her in her crib and she’ll fall asleep on her own! Yay! Usually she falls asleep between 8:30 and 9:00 pm at night. We tried moving that back to 7:30, but she wasn’t having it. She would just wake up. So, 8:30 it is for now. We’ll keep an eye on her dozeyness and see if it changes or gets earlier over the next couple of weeks. I think she’s growth spurting now too (nursing way more often!), so that will affect her sleep.

I’ve discovered that I don’t need to stress. She will sleep. She will eat. I will sleep and I will eat. Otherwise I just have to keep us both clean (and the apartment) and we’ll both be happy!


Monday, August 6 –¬†100 KB Swings 15#

Tuesday, August 7 – 21/15/9 of KB Swings + Good Mornings w/ 15#

Wednesday, August 8 – 100 KB High Pulls 25#

Thursday, August 9 – rest

Friday, August 10 – rest (I wasn’t supposed to, but I ended up “resting.”)

Saturday, August 11

Here’s the WOD:

  • Warm Up- For Time- 50¬†Jumping Jacks/200M¬†Run/30¬†Steps OH Lunge(45/25)/25¬†Ab Mat Sit Ups
  • Snatch- 3@60/70/80/90% 1RM (20 Minute Cap)
  • 15 Minute AMRAP of: 3¬†Snatch¬†@60% 1RM/200M¬†S.B. Run¬†(45/20)/6¬†Box Jumps¬†(30/24‚Ä≥)/9¬†Air Squat

Here’s what I did…

  • Warm Up: 50 Jumping Jacks/60 sec on the Versa Climber/20 Steps OH Lunge (10#)/25 Abmat Sit Ups => 4:10
  • Snatch => 5×15, 3×40, 3×50, 3×55, 3×60
  • 15 Minute AMRAP of: 3 Snatch @ 45#/60 sec Versa Climber/6 Box Jumps (12″)/9 Air Squat => 5 rounds + 3 Snatch

I did the versa climber instead of the run in the warm up and amrap due to persistent ligament issues.

I was intent in getting deep in the squat for the snatches today. Not going too heavy on the weight. I felt successful there.

I did 5 rounds of the AMRAP and three squat snatches with the bar before I accidentally dropped the bar on my head! There was 2:42 left on the clock. Ouch.


Here’s a photo!

Olivia at 16.5 weeks!



August 6, 2012


Ligaments still achy. Still have the dark line.

But emotionally, feeling more like myself!


She is sleeping better and sleeping more! Hurrah! She is picking up and releasing toys on her own! She is talk, talk, talking to anything and everything. She talks to the wall, to the lights, to the toys, to me, to her crib, to everything. She loves to practices her noises. It’s delightful.

Cradle cap is 90% contained.


Monday, July 30 –¬†50 Russian KB Swings 25# / 50 American KB Swings 15#

Tuesday, July 31 –¬†Walked about 2 miles, baby wearing.

Wednesday, August 1 –¬†Rest

Thursday, August 2 –¬†80 American KB Swings 15#

Friday, August 3 –¬†60 KB High Pull 25#

Saturday, August 4

Here’s the WOD:

  • Warm Up: 3 Rounds of: 30 seconds each:¬†Squat Jumps/Mountain Climbers/Flutter Kicks
  • Power Snatch- 5@50 SN 1RM + 3@60/70% + 1/1/1 Max Effort (15 Minute Cap)
  • Isabel= For Time: 30¬†Power Snatches(135/95) (18 Minute Cap)

Here’s what I did…

  • Warm-up => modified.
  • Power Snatch => 5√ó15, 3√ó35, 5√ó40, 3√ó50, 3√ó55, 1√ó65, F@70, 1√ó70
  • Isabel @ 55# => 5:07
  • Cash-out => 10 push-up / 10 abmat s.u. / 10 DUs / 10 p.u. / 10 s.u. in 5:00 min
Due to persisting ligament issues (from labour) jumps and flutter kicks are out. So I did plain air squats and some sort of crunch instead of flutter kicks.

My pre-preggie 1RM for the Power Snatch was 80. I think I could have gotten 75 today, at least if we hadn’t run out of time.


Here’s a photo!

Olivia at 15.5 weeks!



July 30, 2012


The pubic symphysis achy-ness is getting better but still not quite better. Also, I briefly tried sprinting this week, but I could tell my ligaments still need a bit more time. However, the GOOD news is that while they are still sore, they ARE much better than before. Yay!

I’m still a little squishy and just barely fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans. But I’m reluctant to cut carbs because I’m still breastfeeding. Cognitively, I know it shouldn’t make much of a difference to my milk supply, but I’m still a little nervous about it. That said, I know I can lose the extra weight. I’ve done it before. I know how I did it. And I feel confident that once my little babe weans I will be able to do it again. So for now, I’m enjoying being a new mommy. I’ll pull out the pride card later and go for the postpartum weight loss gold after I’m done nourishing a child.


She. Is. Amazing. It seems like she’s learning and growing Every. Single. Day.

She practices her sit-ups and her leg-raises on her own. Just like as if it were her natural instinct or something (which it is!). She’s getting more familiar and “okay with” tummy time. Her neck strength is even better than two weeks ago when the doc was impressed with it! Her hand-eye coordination seems like it improves daily. It’s so interesting to watch. How she plays with her “toys” changes based on her ability to control them. And yes, they each make their way to her mouth as she explores everything in that way.

And her sleep is getting better and better. Earlier in her life, she was flying way below average. Now she’s right about average. It makes her happier and it makes me happier – both because I’m getting more sleep and because she is!


This plan (one WOD per week plus a few short KB workouts) is working out better for me (schedule-wise and recovery-wise) than the previous plan of two WODs per week.

Tuesday, June 17 Р100 KB Swings 15#

Wednesday, June 18 Р60 KB 1-arm high pulls each arm 15#

Thursday, June 19 – rest

Friday, June 20 – rest (this was supposed to be a KB day, but oh well!)

Saturday, June 21 

Here’s what the WOD was…

  • 3 Rounds of: 200M¬†Sprint; 1 minute rest between efforts
  • Push Press- 1/1/1/1/1 (Max Effort/15 Minute Cap)
  • 3 RFT of: 500M¬†Row/21¬†Push Press¬†(115/75)/20¬†Jump Lunges¬†each leg/500MRow/15¬†Push Press/20¬†Jump Lunges¬†each leg/500M¬†Row/9Push Press/20¬†Jump Lunges each leg

And here’s what I did…

  • 3 rounds of 1 min rope undulation; 1 min rest between efforts

Because of pubic symphysis pain (which as I mentioned is getting better but is still nagging), I can‚Äôt run. So instead of the sprints (to which I had been looking forward!), I did rope undulation ‚Äď 3 x 1 min (with 1 min rest between sets).

  • Push Press => 5√ó15, 1√ó35, 1√ó45, 1√ó55, 1√ó65

My 1RM for this is 75#. I was hoping to attempt that but ran out of time.

Met Con… I did 35# and regular lunges instead of jumping lunges because of the previously mentioned pain. Yes, it makes a difference. I finished *at* the time cap, 25:00.

P.S. Olivia finally christened the gym. She spit-up on the med balls!


Here’s a photo!

Olivia at 15 weeks! Happy baby.


July 23, 2012


Still have the dark line which means I still have some relaxin hormone which means my ligaments ‘n’ stuff are still loosy-goosey. Consequently, I’ve actually had a little bit of a problem with plantar fasciitis. I’d developed it when hubby and I first moved to NYC. And it got better after rest. But it flared up again during pregnancy. Understandably.

Otherwise, I’m doing fine. I love being a mommy, despite the chronic sleep deprivation. I do look forward to more settled sleep for all of us. But her smiles and giggles and daily advancements more than make up for a little sleepiness!


Olivia is still trying to roll over from her back to her front. She favours the right side. It’s so cute. She also uses her feet to bring the toys that are hanging above her head to her hands. And she does sit-ups. I say to her, “Olivia and Mommy are working on their abs at the same time!” And she smiles and rocks out another one. She does more sit-ups each day than I do!

This week, her Nana and Poppy were here visiting! They had so much fun with her and she with them! Because they do *new* things and say new things and have different games!!


Tuesday, June 17 Р1.5 mile walk

Wednesday, June 18 Р80 KB high pulls 25#, 2 x 0.5 mile walks Рbabywearing

Thursday, June 19 – rest

Friday, June 20 – 100 KB swings 15#

Saturday, June 21 

Here’s what the WOD was…

  • For Time: 100¬†Double Unders (3 Minute Cap)/50¬†Air Squats/40¬†Sit Ups/30¬†Ball Slams¬†(20/15)/20¬†Knees To Elbows/10¬†Hand Stand Push Ups¬†(10 Minute Cap)
  • Low Bar Squat- 1/1/1/1/1/1/1 (Max Effort/20 Minute Cap)
  • 21/15/9 RFT of:¬†Pistols¬†each leg/K.B. Snatches¬†each hand

And here’s what I did…

  • In 10 mins => 25 DUs / 50 Air Sq / 40 Abmat Situps / 30 Ball Slams / 20 Hanging Knee Raises
  • Low Bar Squats => 5×15, 5×35, 2×45, 2×55, 2×65, 2×75
  • 21-15-9 RFT of 18″ Box Pistols / KB Snatches 15# = 10:50
  • 3:00 min Cat-Cows

I was so excited to be able to do Abmat Situps today! It’s my first sit-ups since giving birth! YAY!


Here’s a photo with Nana and Poppy!

Olivia at 14 weeks with her Nana and Poppy!

Olivia at 14 weeks with her Poppy G!



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