4.5 Weeks Postpartum Confession

October 25, 2014

I just got out of a shower at 3:30 am where I had a good cry. I am 4.5 weeks postpartum with my son and I can’t sleep.

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Why was I crying? Lots of reasons.

I was crying because I am still carrying baby weight.
I was crying because I can’t get back to sleep.
I was crying because somebody said something mean-ish to me on an online mommy forum.
I was crying because my baby still fights latching on and I can’t figure out why.
I was crying because I feel like I am failing my little girl.
I was crying because I feel like I am failing myself.

Some are silly reasons. Some are not so silly.

I’m writing and publishing this post because I need to remember what it can feel like at 4.5 weeks postpartum. And I need you to know what 4.5 weeks postpartum can feel like.

I cognitively know that I will make it through these trying first few weeks and first few months, and I will get fit again, and I will sleep again, and it doesn’t matter what someone I don’t know said in a forum, and my baby is going to love nursing and chill out eventually, and I haven’t actually failed my little girl, and she still loves me, and I have lots to be proud of and lots more still to accomplish.

I cognitively know these things.

But at 3:30 am, when your baby fights to latch, and you’re exhausted, and you know it’s going to be hours before you sleep again, and because of that you’ll be a lazy mama to your beautiful toddler the next day instead of a engaged, involved mama like you envisioned yourself to be, it’s hard to stay positive. And so you look for a good place to cry. And because you stink (since you haven’t showered in a day and a half), the shower seems like a good a place as any. And I didn’t wake anyone up.

I’m not publishing this for pity (although I will take a bit of grace), and I want you to know, people have brought food and checked in on me. I have support.

I’m publishing this because the postpartum experience needs to be shared, not private.

This shit is hard.

My mother always remembers how with each new baby, her mother had a girl from their small farming community who came in to help. I had my mother here for three weeks, and then my mother-in-law and father-in-law for another week after that. And on the day after they left, meals from our friends began. Some via delivery, some brought with a welcome visit. Both are awesome.

So, there it is.

I am usually a confident, outspoken, organized leader. Accomplished. But when I am in the depths of the postpartum season, I feel like a slob. Like a blob of lazy. Like it was a mistake that I have these two children and what was He thinking giving them to me.

It can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter what her prenatal self was like. The postpartum season can be confidence-shattering. And it takes time to rebuild.

And sometimes rebuilding involves a good cry in the shower.


26 WEEKS PP / 6 MONTHS!

October 15, 2012

ME & THE BABE

We’re all a little congested right now. Perhaps it’s the weather?

My diet hasn’t been perfectly paleo, but more like 75%/25%. I know that many hate looking at percentages. I’ve been eating lots of animal sources of saturated fat, animal proteins from good sources (grass-fed, pastured, humanely raised), lots of veggies of different colours, lots of organ means, and lacto-fermented veggies (sauerkraut); but I’ve also included corn and rice, some processed foods, and full-fat dairy (some raw!). Honestly, it’s difficult to make a meal quickly that you don’t have to cook or babysit. I need to meal plan better.

We haven’t started Olivia on solid foods yet, but I’ll try to remember to document the experience and post it here when we have.

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday, as per normal.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 3 Rounds each of: 30 Seconds on;15 Seconds rest- Hand Stand Shoulder Tap/Jump Squat
  • Push Press- 5/5/5/5/5 @ 70% 1RM (15 Minute Cap)
  • 4 RFT of: 10 K.B. Goblet Squat(HAP)/9 Ring Push Up/8 T2B

Here’s what I did:

  • 3 Rounds each of: 30 Seconds on;15 Seconds rest – Hand Stand with Alternating Hand Release
  • Push Press – 5/5/5/5/5 at 50# (which was Rx)
  • 4 RFT of : 10 KB Goblet Squat (26#)/9 Mod Push Ups / 8 Leg Raises (from floor)

I’m planning to continue doing one CrossFit class a week until I feel like my sleep is under control enough to do two classes. I haven’t been doing the kettle bells at home in the last few weeks (since I went to Canada!) but I plan to incorporate those again.

FINAL NOTES

Here’s a photo!

Ryan & Olivia at 6 months!


25 WEEKS PP

October 8, 2012

ME

I think my body might be going through a hormone shift! Here are the reasons why I think so:
I think I’ve felt a hormonal shift in the last week or so. Olivia’s had a tiny bit of baby acne, my hair’s been shedding more (more than recently, but not an alarming amount), and suddenly people have told me that I look awesome. And of course, we’re almost six months – which is when another hormone shift commonly happens, I’m told.

I asked my midwife and she said that perhaps it’s that for the last two weeks, Olivia hasn’t been nursing at night at all (until this weekend) so perhaps my body is shifting from ammenorea back to fertility…?

 

THE BABE

As I mentioned above, she’s got another little bout of baby acne but nowhere near as bad as before. She’s practicing being on her hands and knees. She recognizes her name. She giggles at the strangest things, but I love it. And…

She has a noise that sounds like a baby Wookiee!! I have a little girl-geek-in-training. 🙂

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday, as per normal.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 200m Run @ 50%
  • For Time: 1 Mile Run
  • Axle DeadLift- 8 Minutes to a Heavy Single (neutral grip only)/8 Minutes to a Heavy Single (mixed grip)
  • OTM for 12 Minutes- 9 Weighted Squats(45/25)/1 Rope Climb (3 Towel Pull Ups)

Here’s what I did:

  • 250 m row
  • 2000 m row
  • Axel Deadlift – got up to 145# (ran out of time)
  • OTM for 12 minutes – 9 weighted squats w/ 25# and 3 towel pull ups

I don’t remember my times for the rows. I do remember that I kept to a pretty fair pace of 28 spm and 2:15 / 500 m. Over 2000 meters that’s pretty fair for me.

FINAL NOTES

Next week will be my last “weekly” post as I’m planning on starting a “favourites” post and just updating that occasionally! It’ll be a HUGE favourites post. It’ll start out very slim, but I’ll add to it over time. It’ll be a huge list of my favourite baby things and why – from diaper covers to toys, from wipes to blankets. You’ll love it.


24 WEEKS PP

October 1, 2012

ME

It just occurred to me that because “postpartum” is one word, the title “24 WEEKS PP” is terribly inaccurate. It should be “24 WEEKS P!” Oh well.

I’ve been really tired. I’ve all but stopped napping during her morning nap, but I’m really starting to think I should try to again. I’m surprised at how much “making milk” and nursing is taxing on my body. It really is an energy drain. That said, I do love it. Nursing your own little babe is such a joyful experience. I highly recommend for the relational building aspect of it, not to mention the nutritional benefits!

 

THE BABE

She is amazing. She’s starting to push up onto her hands and knees, instinctually!

Also, has anyone noticed that she hasn’t been sick? At all!?  w00t!

 

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday, as per the usual.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 200M Run
  • 7 Rounds of: Sprint 40 Yards
  • Front Squat- 5/5/5/5/5 (HAP/20 Minute Cap)
  • Power Clean- 10 Minutes to Establish a Heavy Double (Touch & Go)
  • 12 Minute AMRAP of: 5 P.Cl(135/95)/5 each Bar Racked Lunge(135/95)/15 HRPU

Here’s what I did:

  • 200 m run…

I think it took me 1 minute? I’m pretty happy with that, considering that my ligaments are still not all the way fixed yet.

  • 3 rounds of: run, sprint 40 yards

I was averaging about 8.5 seconds. I only did three rounds because my ligaments were hurting.

  • 3 rounds of: row, spring 100 meters

I don’t remember my times, but I remember that my pace was under 2:00/500m for each sprint. Like, 1:57 or so.

  • Front Squats => 5×65, 5×75, 5×75, 4×85

Didn’t go as deep on the last set.

  • Power Cleans => 2×45, 2×65, 2×75, 2×80

I’m so disgusted because I found Power Cleans so easy before I got pregnant and even during my pregnancy! My 1RM was only 110#, but even the heavy weight felt like something reasonable to attempt. But after having delivered the baby, Power Cleans seem like the strangest movement ever. Grrr… I wonder if it’s related to the ligament issues?

  • 9 MIN AMRAP => 2 rounds + P.Cl + Lunges + 8 h.r.p.u.

I had 45# on the bar. The Cleans were easy. The Lunges were challenging. I’m still doing modified push ups.

I’m feeling stronger after my pregnancy but I’m still not 100%. I’m  annoyed that it’s taking so long to “bounce” back. But confident that I will be able to return to my previous strength and conditioning numbers eventually.

 

FINAL NOTES

I think I will continue the weekly posts until Olivia is six months old. Then I will switch up my format.

Here’s a picture!

Ryan with Olivia at 24 Weeks!

 


23 WEEKS PP

September 23, 2012

ME

Not getting enough sleep. Eating too much chocolate.

THE BABE

Her sleep schedule is solidifying! She’s been “sleeping through the night” for weeks now, but her day time naps hadn’t organized really. She’s done a good morning naps for a few weeks but her afternoon naps were scattered and sparse. But NOW!! It might have been a Norwegian friend’s mention of how in Norway all the children take their naps outside prompting me to set up Olivia for her nap in the swing facing the open window or she just might have been ready, but she has taken two solid naps each day for the last 10 days. They’re averaging 2 hours. The morning nap is usually longer and the afternoon nap usually shorter. The other thing that might have helped is that it occurred to me to nurse her before her afternoon nap. Because she was ready for her midday awake time to stretch out to 3 hours. Whatever it was, I’m so enjoying the routine!

  • Awake ~ 7:30 – 8:15 am
  • 1st Nap ~ 10:00 am
  • Awake ~ 12:30 – 1:00 pm
  • 2nd Nap ~ 4:00 pm
  • Awake ~ 5:30 pm
  • Bedtime ~ 7:30 pm (asleep by 8:00 or 8:15 pm)

Isn’t that awesome!?

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday. It was my first workout in five weeks (except for one kettlebell workout in Canada). Boy was it rough.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 400M Farmers Walk (20×2/16x2kg)
  • Pause Front Squat- 2/2/2/2/2/2/2 (70-85%) 3 Second Hold at The Bottom; 2 Min Rest Between Sets
  • For Time: 25 each side Sand Bag Get Up (40/20)
  • 3 Rounds of: 45 Seconds each Max Reps HandStand Shoulder Taps; 1 Minute Rest Between Rounds

Here’s what I did…

  • 400m Farmers Walk => 12kg/26lbs x 2 unbroken / 5:11
  • Pause Front Squat => (WU 2×35, 2×45) 2×50, 2×55, 2×65, 2×70, 2×75, 80F, 80F, 1×75
  • Med Ball Get Ups 15# => 20 each side; 15 min
  • Handstand Hold

This was my first time *ever* getting through a set of any kind of Get Ups, turkish or otherwise. I’d never done them before I got pregnant, and couldn’t do them while I was pregnant, and I’ve had difficulty doing them since giving birth because of … well, birth. But TODAY! Today, I could do them. YAY! Victory!

And then I did a handstand hold. I have no idea how long it was for…

FINAL NOTES

Haven’t changed the organization of my posts yet. I’m kinda stuck on posting my “weekly” WOD. I’ll get around to doing that, I promise. Chao!


18 WEEKS PP

August 20, 2012

ME

We’ve just passed the 4-month mark. I’m still feeling mildly squishy but I feeling more like a complete return to pre-preggie is possible. It will take time, but it feels attainable. I’ve been reading “It Starts with Food” from Whole9 and I’m LOVING it! I want to buy many copies and give them away to people. It presents such a great version of the whole paleo/primal protocol. I feel my best and look better when I’ve been following the Whole30 protocol for even just a few days! I highly recommend!

It Starts With Food, from Whole9

THE BABE

She had her four-month doctor’s “well-visit” this week. She grew an inch and a pound in the last four weeks! Whoo-hoo! She’s now 26.3 inches (98%) and 14 lbs 10 oz (59%). She’s reaching all the developmental milestones on time (some a little early!).

And did I mention that she’s sleeping through the night? Love. Her.

MY WORKOUTS

It was difficult to get my workouts in this week. My in-laws are in town.

P.S. My head is fine from last week. 🙂

Monday, August 6 – 100 KB Swings 15#

Saturday, August 11

Here’s the WOD:

  • For Time: 100 Double Unders (5 Minute Cap)
  • Stone Shouldering- 1/1/1/1/1/1/1 (Max Effort/15 Minute Cap)
  • For time: Half Tabata- Stone 2 Shoulder / 800M Run / Half Tabata- Stone 2 Shoulder / 800M Run
  • EMOM (every min on the min) For 10 Minutes: 10 SuperMan/10 Hollow Rock

I got about 30 double unders. I would have gotten more if I weren’t dealing with plantar fasciitis. :( Perhaps I shouldn’t have even attempted them today, because of the foot. But the Versa Climber tuckered me out last week and I didn’t want to face it again today.

I got the 75# stone shouldered a few times. Tried the 95# but no go.

I sub’d 1000m rowing for the running because of the pf and other ligament issues. 13:48 was my time…? I think. I got 16 total stone shoulders in the tabata. And my time on the rower was about 4 minutes each time. A little more than 4 the second time.

Finally, today I did super-mans for the first time since delivering the babe. I couldn’t do the hollow-rocks because of something going on with my hips. Possibly inflammation? Possibly persistent pelvic tilt? Or perhaps just simple physics. 😉

My shoulders are bruised.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Here’s a photo of Ryan with Olivia!

Ryan with Olivia (18 weeks!).

 


17 WEEKS PP

August 13, 2012

ME

So I’ve got plantar fasciitis. I think it’s because of impact and weight during pregnancy and limited walking during early pregnancy recovery and continued pregnancy hormones making my ligaments wonky. My groin area ligaments are almost better so I’ll be able to start running again soon, once the plantar fasciitis dies down.

I still have the dark line.

The placenta is still in my freezer.

Regarding my emotions… It’s amazing the difference regular sleep makes. I feel so much more like myself than I did in the first two months. I feel like I’ve crawled out of the hole and I’m reacquainting myself with myself again. Except now, I’m a mother. And that’s no small thing.

I’m also beginning to feel more confident about mothering. Part of it is that Olivia is just a delight as a baby, but I’m getting to know her better too. I’m learning how she needs to be comforted and what makes her happy and what makes her feel safe. I’ll feel more confident the second time around. Yes, I’m already thinking about baby #2!

THE BABE

She is nearing the 4-month mark. So crazy! She’s started falling asleep on her own more often now. She’ll nurse to almost asleep and I’ll put her in her crib and she’ll fall asleep on her own! Yay! Usually she falls asleep between 8:30 and 9:00 pm at night. We tried moving that back to 7:30, but she wasn’t having it. She would just wake up. So, 8:30 it is for now. We’ll keep an eye on her dozeyness and see if it changes or gets earlier over the next couple of weeks. I think she’s growth spurting now too (nursing way more often!), so that will affect her sleep.

I’ve discovered that I don’t need to stress. She will sleep. She will eat. I will sleep and I will eat. Otherwise I just have to keep us both clean (and the apartment) and we’ll both be happy!

MY WORKOUTS

Monday, August 6 – 100 KB Swings 15#

Tuesday, August 7 – 21/15/9 of KB Swings + Good Mornings w/ 15#

Wednesday, August 8 – 100 KB High Pulls 25#

Thursday, August 9 – rest

Friday, August 10 – rest (I wasn’t supposed to, but I ended up “resting.”)

Saturday, August 11

Here’s the WOD:

  • Warm Up- For Time- 50 Jumping Jacks/200M Run/30 Steps OH Lunge(45/25)/25 Ab Mat Sit Ups
  • Snatch- 3@60/70/80/90% 1RM (20 Minute Cap)
  • 15 Minute AMRAP of: 3 Snatch @60% 1RM/200M S.B. Run (45/20)/6 Box Jumps (30/24″)/9 Air Squat

Here’s what I did…

  • Warm Up: 50 Jumping Jacks/60 sec on the Versa Climber/20 Steps OH Lunge (10#)/25 Abmat Sit Ups => 4:10
  • Snatch => 5×15, 3×40, 3×50, 3×55, 3×60
  • 15 Minute AMRAP of: 3 Snatch @ 45#/60 sec Versa Climber/6 Box Jumps (12″)/9 Air Squat => 5 rounds + 3 Snatch

I did the versa climber instead of the run in the warm up and amrap due to persistent ligament issues.

I was intent in getting deep in the squat for the snatches today. Not going too heavy on the weight. I felt successful there.

I did 5 rounds of the AMRAP and three squat snatches with the bar before I accidentally dropped the bar on my head! There was 2:42 left on the clock. Ouch.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Here’s a photo!

Olivia at 16.5 weeks!