4.5 Weeks Postpartum Confession

October 25, 2014

I just got out of a shower at 3:30 am where I had a good cry. I am 4.5 weeks postpartum with my son and I can’t sleep.

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Why was I crying? Lots of reasons.

I was crying because I am still carrying baby weight.
I was crying because I can’t get back to sleep.
I was crying because somebody said something mean-ish to me on an online mommy forum.
I was crying because my baby still fights latching on and I can’t figure out why.
I was crying because I feel like I am failing my little girl.
I was crying because I feel like I am failing myself.

Some are silly reasons. Some are not so silly.

I’m writing and publishing this post because I need to remember what it can feel like at 4.5 weeks postpartum. And I need you to know what 4.5 weeks postpartum can feel like.

I cognitively know that I will make it through these trying first few weeks and first few months, and I will get fit again, and I will sleep again, and it doesn’t matter what someone I don’t know said in a forum, and my baby is going to love nursing and chill out eventually, and I haven’t actually failed my little girl, and she still loves me, and I have lots to be proud of and lots more still to accomplish.

I cognitively know these things.

But at 3:30 am, when your baby fights to latch, and you’re exhausted, and you know it’s going to be hours before you sleep again, and because of that you’ll be a lazy mama to your beautiful toddler the next day instead of a engaged, involved mama like you envisioned yourself to be, it’s hard to stay positive. And so you look for a good place to cry. And because you stink (since you haven’t showered in a day and a half), the shower seems like a good a place as any. And I didn’t wake anyone up.

I’m not publishing this for pity (although I will take a bit of grace), and I want you to know, people have brought food and checked in on me. I have support.

I’m publishing this because the postpartum experience needs to be shared, not private.

This shit is hard.

My mother always remembers how with each new baby, her mother had a girl from their small farming community who came in to help. I had my mother here for three weeks, and then my mother-in-law and father-in-law for another week after that. And on the day after they left, meals from our friends began. Some via delivery, some brought with a welcome visit. Both are awesome.

So, there it is.

I am usually a confident, outspoken, organized leader. Accomplished. But when I am in the depths of the postpartum season, I feel like a slob. Like a blob of lazy. Like it was a mistake that I have these two children and what was He thinking giving them to me.

It can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter what her prenatal self was like. The postpartum season can be confidence-shattering. And it takes time to rebuild.

And sometimes rebuilding involves a good cry in the shower.

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56 Weeks PP

January 1, 2014

Today’s WOD:

  • Warm Up: 3 Rounds of 30 sec each of Burpees / Jumping Ball Slams
  • Power Snatch – 10 minutes to a heavy single + 3 EMOM for 7 minutes
  • Nancy = 5 RFT of 400m Run/ 15 OHS (95/65)

So, this is essentially a post about WODing with a baby. Olivia is nearly 13 months old and SMACK in the MIDDLE of separation anxiety. She likes to smile but she’s TOTALLY shy and won’t get down out of my arms without crying until she’s been in a place for at least 20 minutes. Once we were halfway through the class, she was having fun, even if she was still a little fussy. But it took some time to get there.

Here’s a description of how I accommodated Olivia’s needs while still getting a workout in…

I did “Baby Thrusters” for the warm-up – literally, thrusts with my 22# girl. She loved it. I did it for the whole three minutes. I didn’t count.

Snatch 1RM – I got up to 75# and attempted #80. I think I could have done 80# if I hadn’t been worried about dropping the barbell on Olivia. This was at her peak of comfortableness. She played with some lacrosse balls and a few hand weights.

For the EMOMs, I did 5 Olivia Thrusters every minute on the minute.

For Nancy, I did a 100m Olivia run (yes, ran with Olivia in my arms), then 15 Olivia Thrusters. Then my husband showed up and took her home…! So round two was 400m run, then 45# thrusters, then the run, then 15# thrusters, then the run then 25# thrusters. And I finished with the 25# thrusters in 23:10.

Ugh.

It’s good to be able to run again. It’s still a little tweaky, but WAY better than it was…

Also, I’ve got weight to lose. Some is baby weight and some is weight I put on after Olivia was born. Regardless, Olivia and I are still nursing occasionally, 2-3 times a day, so I am reluctant to attempt any significant weight loss because I am convinced that fat soluble toxins will make it into my breast milk. So I am waiting until she weans to do a Whole30, or 60, or whatever it takes.

That said, I actually feel good about my body.


FINGER FOODS!

January 12, 2013

My little Olivia is nearly nine months old. O.M.G.

She is such a joy. And a hand-full. That’s why you haven’t heard much from me since her birth. It really is true: once they start crawling, your world will never be the same again.

But this is a post about Finger Foods. I don’t have much to say other than, it is possible. She’s nearly nine months old and she’s feeding herself egg and sauerkraut.

Here are a few pics.

Lunch for mama and baby! Pastured eggs and sauerkraut! Mama also has liverwurst.

Lunch for mama and baby! Pastured eggs and sauerkraut! Mama also has liverwurst.

Olivia uses her Pincer Grasp!

Olivia uses her Pincer Grasp!

Yummm!

Yummm!

Yummm!

Yummm!


MY FAVOURITES

October 15, 2012

[THIS LIST IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION. KEEP CHECKING BACK!]

This is my list of favourites – my favourite preggie supplies, my favourite books, my favourite diapers, even my favourite baby socks!! I will keep adding to it over the next few weeks and months; so keep checking back! Maybe it will grow big enough some day to warrant being separated into several different posts!

DIAPERS

Diaper Covers

My favourite diaper covers are Bum Genius Flips. They have fit Olivia FROM DAY ONE, which makes sense, since they are One-Size! They wash well. They don’t have white edges that get STAINED (like the Thirsties Duo Wrap Snaps – my second favourites)! They look amazing on Olivia and she’s comfy in them!

Check them out!

🙂

Diaper Pail Liners

My favourite Diaper Pail Liner is Diaper Pail Liner by Mommy’s Touch. I haven’t tried several of these. Just the one; but I love it so much I want to share. I have two colors – Mango and Celery. I just switch them out at the end of each day – yes, I do diaper laundry daily.

PACIFIERS

My favourite paci’s are the Natursutten BPA-Free Natural Rubber Pacifiers. Olivia tried (and hated) every other pacifier (even the BPA-free ones, which incidentally were the only ones we tried) until we tried these. Perhaps she has a thing for natural materials?

TOYS

I have a HUGE chip on my shoulder about toys. I’m a bit of a snob about it. I hate what I call “button toys” where you press a button and music plays. I don’t think those toys are good for much. I prefer toys that also teach tacit knowledge – like stuff about noise and physics – but that are still fun and bright and entertaining.

Clutch Toys

I knew I wanted natural materials and safe paints. Not all her toys fit this description but some do! One of my favourite brands is Haba! And here is one of my favrourites from their offerings – the Triangle Rattle. Olivia loves it! It was one of the first toys she actually CLUTCHED! And today, she’s still mouthing it and banging it on things. It’s been a versatile and long-suffering toy and it’s so well-made.

BOOKS

These are a list of books about pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Just a few of my favourites!

Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting

Real Food for Mother and Baby: The Fertility Diet, Eating for Two, and Baby’s First Foods

BATH SUPPLIES

Bath Tub – Prince Lionheart Flexibath Foldable Bathtub, White

Bath Sling – Summer Infant Fold N’ Store Tub Time Bath Sling

 


MORE TO COME! KEEP CHECKING BACK! 🙂


26 WEEKS PP / 6 MONTHS!

October 15, 2012

ME & THE BABE

We’re all a little congested right now. Perhaps it’s the weather?

My diet hasn’t been perfectly paleo, but more like 75%/25%. I know that many hate looking at percentages. I’ve been eating lots of animal sources of saturated fat, animal proteins from good sources (grass-fed, pastured, humanely raised), lots of veggies of different colours, lots of organ means, and lacto-fermented veggies (sauerkraut); but I’ve also included corn and rice, some processed foods, and full-fat dairy (some raw!). Honestly, it’s difficult to make a meal quickly that you don’t have to cook or babysit. I need to meal plan better.

We haven’t started Olivia on solid foods yet, but I’ll try to remember to document the experience and post it here when we have.

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday, as per normal.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 3 Rounds each of: 30 Seconds on;15 Seconds rest- Hand Stand Shoulder Tap/Jump Squat
  • Push Press- 5/5/5/5/5 @ 70% 1RM (15 Minute Cap)
  • 4 RFT of: 10 K.B. Goblet Squat(HAP)/9 Ring Push Up/8 T2B

Here’s what I did:

  • 3 Rounds each of: 30 Seconds on;15 Seconds rest – Hand Stand with Alternating Hand Release
  • Push Press – 5/5/5/5/5 at 50# (which was Rx)
  • 4 RFT of : 10 KB Goblet Squat (26#)/9 Mod Push Ups / 8 Leg Raises (from floor)

I’m planning to continue doing one CrossFit class a week until I feel like my sleep is under control enough to do two classes. I haven’t been doing the kettle bells at home in the last few weeks (since I went to Canada!) but I plan to incorporate those again.

FINAL NOTES

Here’s a photo!

Ryan & Olivia at 6 months!


25 WEEKS PP

October 8, 2012

ME

I think my body might be going through a hormone shift! Here are the reasons why I think so:
I think I’ve felt a hormonal shift in the last week or so. Olivia’s had a tiny bit of baby acne, my hair’s been shedding more (more than recently, but not an alarming amount), and suddenly people have told me that I look awesome. And of course, we’re almost six months – which is when another hormone shift commonly happens, I’m told.

I asked my midwife and she said that perhaps it’s that for the last two weeks, Olivia hasn’t been nursing at night at all (until this weekend) so perhaps my body is shifting from ammenorea back to fertility…?

 

THE BABE

As I mentioned above, she’s got another little bout of baby acne but nowhere near as bad as before. She’s practicing being on her hands and knees. She recognizes her name. She giggles at the strangest things, but I love it. And…

She has a noise that sounds like a baby Wookiee!! I have a little girl-geek-in-training. 🙂

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday, as per normal.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 200m Run @ 50%
  • For Time: 1 Mile Run
  • Axle DeadLift- 8 Minutes to a Heavy Single (neutral grip only)/8 Minutes to a Heavy Single (mixed grip)
  • OTM for 12 Minutes- 9 Weighted Squats(45/25)/1 Rope Climb (3 Towel Pull Ups)

Here’s what I did:

  • 250 m row
  • 2000 m row
  • Axel Deadlift – got up to 145# (ran out of time)
  • OTM for 12 minutes – 9 weighted squats w/ 25# and 3 towel pull ups

I don’t remember my times for the rows. I do remember that I kept to a pretty fair pace of 28 spm and 2:15 / 500 m. Over 2000 meters that’s pretty fair for me.

FINAL NOTES

Next week will be my last “weekly” post as I’m planning on starting a “favourites” post and just updating that occasionally! It’ll be a HUGE favourites post. It’ll start out very slim, but I’ll add to it over time. It’ll be a huge list of my favourite baby things and why – from diaper covers to toys, from wipes to blankets. You’ll love it.


24 WEEKS PP

October 1, 2012

ME

It just occurred to me that because “postpartum” is one word, the title “24 WEEKS PP” is terribly inaccurate. It should be “24 WEEKS P!” Oh well.

I’ve been really tired. I’ve all but stopped napping during her morning nap, but I’m really starting to think I should try to again. I’m surprised at how much “making milk” and nursing is taxing on my body. It really is an energy drain. That said, I do love it. Nursing your own little babe is such a joyful experience. I highly recommend for the relational building aspect of it, not to mention the nutritional benefits!

 

THE BABE

She is amazing. She’s starting to push up onto her hands and knees, instinctually!

Also, has anyone noticed that she hasn’t been sick? At all!?  w00t!

 

MY WORKOUTS

I went to CrossFit on Saturday, as per the usual.

Here’s the WOD:

  • 200M Run
  • 7 Rounds of: Sprint 40 Yards
  • Front Squat- 5/5/5/5/5 (HAP/20 Minute Cap)
  • Power Clean- 10 Minutes to Establish a Heavy Double (Touch & Go)
  • 12 Minute AMRAP of: 5 P.Cl(135/95)/5 each Bar Racked Lunge(135/95)/15 HRPU

Here’s what I did:

  • 200 m run…

I think it took me 1 minute? I’m pretty happy with that, considering that my ligaments are still not all the way fixed yet.

  • 3 rounds of: run, sprint 40 yards

I was averaging about 8.5 seconds. I only did three rounds because my ligaments were hurting.

  • 3 rounds of: row, spring 100 meters

I don’t remember my times, but I remember that my pace was under 2:00/500m for each sprint. Like, 1:57 or so.

  • Front Squats => 5×65, 5×75, 5×75, 4×85

Didn’t go as deep on the last set.

  • Power Cleans => 2×45, 2×65, 2×75, 2×80

I’m so disgusted because I found Power Cleans so easy before I got pregnant and even during my pregnancy! My 1RM was only 110#, but even the heavy weight felt like something reasonable to attempt. But after having delivered the baby, Power Cleans seem like the strangest movement ever. Grrr… I wonder if it’s related to the ligament issues?

  • 9 MIN AMRAP => 2 rounds + P.Cl + Lunges + 8 h.r.p.u.

I had 45# on the bar. The Cleans were easy. The Lunges were challenging. I’m still doing modified push ups.

I’m feeling stronger after my pregnancy but I’m still not 100%. I’m  annoyed that it’s taking so long to “bounce” back. But confident that I will be able to return to my previous strength and conditioning numbers eventually.

 

FINAL NOTES

I think I will continue the weekly posts until Olivia is six months old. Then I will switch up my format.

Here’s a picture!

Ryan with Olivia at 24 Weeks!